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Valentines Poem: Where did my heart go?


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Member [LV4]
Member [LV4]

Posted on Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:24 am

Wrote this today probably sucks and corny but may as well share it

Where Did my Heart Go?

I know I'm not perfect
I know that I'm a mess (Where did my heart go?)
But I keep trying to improve (Where did my heart go?)
You were my first (Where did my heart go?)
You were my only (Where did my heart go?)

I feel alive
When I see you
How could I hurt (Where did my heart go?)
Someone so special to me (Where did my heart go?)

I'm lost without you
The pain, it takes over
Everything (Where did my heart go?)
I need you with me

At night, I see you
In my dreams
In daytime, I see you
And you only

Without you (Where did my heart go?)
I'm walking on a wire
And I will never
Love anyone else (Where did my heart go?)
The way I love you

I know I screwed up (Where did my heart go?)
But I'm still trying
I know I screwed up (Where id my heart go?)

Please, try to understand
The other side
Even if just, for a bit
Please, just have
A little faith in me

Because I know
I can make it right
I know that
We can start again.

I love you.
I love you
I LOVE you!

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I need you here now!
My heart left with you!
I need it back now!


EDIT: Fuck meant to post this in literature, can a mod or admin please move this for me?

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Member [LV5]
Member [LV5]

Posted on Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:33 am

Moved as requested.

Also, very nice. Love isn't my topic at all but this has plenty of feeling.

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Veteran Member [LV3]
Veteran Member [LV3]

Posted on Thu Feb 12, 2015 11:34 am

Damn... Those feels.

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Member [LV1]
Member [LV1]

Posted on Thu Feb 12, 2015 1:18 pm

Love poems aren't really my area (besides one embarrassing sonnet- don't ask), but if there's one general thing with poetry it's to write it how you would read it out loud. Poetry is to be performed. What you have with the repeated brackets of "Where did my heart go" is called a refrain. Nice technique for holding structure in freeverse poems with a strong theme. It's basically just a line that repeats throughout a poem. I'd suggest giving it its own line each time you use it, just in italics, and perhaps switching to a different refrain where you stop using it. Yes, italics. Don't put your whole poem in italics. Italics are a valid means of differentiation between dialogue and the rest of the poem.

The repetition is strong, in general. I suppose you've primarily used it to show the pain as constant and unchanging, which is very good use of the technique. The repetition of "please" in one stanza works nicely to emphasize... well, the pleading. And the "Where did you go?" contrasts very nicely with the earlier "Where did my heart go?" to suggest that the subject of the poem is actually your heart. I would suggest using this as a second refrain, as suggest earlier, by throwing it in between some more lines.

One major criticism comes from the cliches. They are hard to avoid when you're talking about love because the way we're brought up around things like romance and valentines day gives us a very limited number of images to use and tells us that this is how love is. Cliches are not the only way to describe love. "I feel alive when I see you", "I see you in my dreams", "I'm lost without you" - basically, any phrases you might have heard before, cut them out. New imagery is the best imagery.

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